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Event: WWE Monday Night RAW
Airdate: Monday, January 21st, 2013 (USA Network)
Location: The HP Pavilion in San Jose, California
Results by Ken Hill
“Yes, sir, we promised you a great main event…”
-We start with a lovely “Martin Luther King, Jr. Day” tribute video. Long Live The Dream, indeed.
-LIVE from San Jose, California, and we start off with Vickie Guerrero and Paul Heyman, arm in arm, coming down to the ring. She assures us that we will be entertained on our…her show, and that she will always do the right thing professionally, even if it is not the most popular decision. This particularly applies to the Rock.
-Heyman on the mic, who is here for a show of solidarity with Ms. Guerrero. He goes to claim The Rock defamed his name, as well as that of the greatest, and “sexiest”, GM of Monday Night Raw. We go back to the, frankly, godawful Rock Concert, where he insults Heyman’s manhood. He says it’s one thing to pick a fight with someone like Heyman, but to insult Vickie is contemptible. He shows the part where the Rock insults Vickie up and down, looks, hooker references, the works.
-Vickie is glad we’re laughing at that, because even thought the Rock will be here, he is officially banned from the arena and will be arrested on sight if he tries to enter. A stagehand informs her The Rock has arrived and discovered he cannot enter. The Rock laughs it off, saying Vickie is trying to screw the people and looks like she swallowed a bunch of stick pickles. The officer says they won’t have a choice but to arrest him. He says if anyone should be arrested, it’s Punk for having an imaginary set, Heyman for having floppy tits, or Vickie for thinking she can keep the Rock out, that she must have her head shoved up her ass.
-Vickie asks us if we think that’s funny, she gets a resounding “YES!”, but tells us it doesn’t matter, and the only song Rock will sing tonight is “Jailhouse Rock.” CLEVER. She ends with, “IF you smellll what the VICK is cooking!” and exits in a huff with Heyman.
-We findout that there will be a “Beat the Clock” series of matches, where the winner with the fastest time will get to choose the number he enters at! Hmmm, could we have someone try to follow in Shawn Michaels’ footsteps? Orton and Cesaro face off in the first match…NEXT!
Beat the Clock Match: US Champion Antonio Cesaro vs. Randy Orton
Cesaro shrugs off Orton on the lock-up, Orton counters with a roll-up for two. Orton with another school boy for two. Antonio cinches a headlock takeover and gets a pair of two counts. Antonio with a shoulder block for a one count. Orton counters a headlock, but Cesaro with a body shot and an uppercut, but Randy comes back with the Thesz Press. Cesaro blocks a suplex into an inside cradle for two. Orton with a dropkick for two. Orton takes down Cesaro on the outside and rolls him back in for a two count. Cesaro backs off from Orton. More or less a feeling out between the two, which may not be the right idea as the clock keeps ticking and we go to break…
Antonio with shoulder thrusts to Orton in the corner, with the clock at 6:50 and counting. Orton counters a superplex attempt and pushes Cesaro off, but he comes right back and knocks Orton to the floor. Cesaro rolls him back in for a near fall. The dead-lift gutwrench gets a two count, then Cesaro hooks both legs for another near fall. Tilt-a-whirl slam get another near fall for the US Champ. Orton fights out of a chinlock, and fires up with clotheslines and a big powerslam. Orton primes for the DDT, but Cesaro jackknifes him for a near fall. Orton gets lifted into a BIG uppercut for another near fall. Cesaro drags Orton up and drills him shoulder first into the ring post. Cesaro tosses him back in, glances at the clock…big mistake…RKO OUT OF NOWEHRE! 3 COUNT!
Winner: Randy Orton
-We get the proper epic “Hall of Fame” video for the “Hardcore Legend” himself Mick Foley, done to “Keep Your Eyes Open” by Needtobreathe.
-The Shield, in another vignette, tells us it’s time for our eyes to be open or they will open them for us. We see the destruction they’ve wreaked since showing up at Survivor Series in 2012, laying waste to Ryback, Sheamus, Randy Orton, The Miz, and others, all in the name of Justice…and they’re just getting started.
-As the FORMER World Champ, the Big Show, makes his way down, we recap Del Rio’s phenomenal comeback and victory for the World Heavyweight Championship
The Big Show vs. Zack Ryder
Oh boy, Zack is a goner. BRAD MADDOX out at ringside, providing some “insightful” commentary as Show makes quick work of Ryder with the KO Punch.
Winner: The Big Show
-Maddox thanks Cole and King for their time and heads off for more “job opportunities.” Meanwhile, Show tells us that his Last Man Standing rematch for the World Title at the Royal Rumble will go just like this for Del Rio. He puts his boot on Ryder and starts counting, but the crowd’s “WHAT?” chants tick him off, and he leaves in a huff up the ramp.
-Ryback versus Heath Slater is next. FEED…HIM…MORE…BABAAAAYYYY!
-Heyman assuring his associate on the phone that the Rock won’t get in the arena. Brad Maddox comes in to the locker room, cameraman in tow, and mentions how, like Heyman, he never gives up on becoming fmaous and achieving his dreams. Heyman admits he’s had a change of heart.
Ryback vs. Heath Slater
Slater with a brief flurry of offense, but Ryback stops a right, plants him with a spinebuster, then the Meathook. He takes down McIntyre, flips Mahal into the ring, throws him into Drew, then drills Slater with the Shell-Shock for three.
-Ryback is a man of few words, and says the Royal Rumble was made for a man like him, and it is an environment he can thrive in. It it his ticket to the main event of Wrestlemania. FEED…HIM…MORE!
-The Rock still backstage with the police. He tells them that they serve and protect the people, not Vickie Guerrero. The people worked hard for the money to buy their tickets, they came to see the Rock blow the roof off the place. The cop on the left agrees, says he had tickets, and that his family’s in the audience tonight. Before anything else happens, Vickie comes in and tells the officers that if they don’t do as she tells them, their superiors will suspend them. Vickie tells Rock she’s willing to lift the ban, only if he apologizes personally. Rock says two things wrong with that is that he’ll be in the ring one way or another, and that she’s still a BIATCH! Vickie walks off in indignation as the Rock discusses a plan with the cops…
-Raw Roulette in Las Vegas next week!
-The WWE Champ is here! Punk and Heyman down to the ring, and Punk looks like he is all business. Punk holds the WWE Title more dear to him then most men do their families. For 428 days, he has been the man. He has worked half his life to attain the most prestigious title the WWE has to offer, and he won’t let Rock or anyone take it away from him. THe Rock is here to entertain, electrify, and sing songs. Punk is here to hurt people and be the champion. This, the championship, is actually important. It’s prestigious because he’s made it so. The Rock prides himself on the people, the cheers, the chants, and being the People’s Champion, while Punk prefers to be a REAL champion. He says Rock is the People’s Champion only because he can’t be what Punk is, THE champion. Punk made a decision, the WWE Championship. He derides Rock for choosing the people. Punk bled, sweat, and dropped tears for 428 days to be called champion. For the Rock, he can enjoy being the People’s Champion for the next 6 days, because at the Royal Rumble, the people don’t matter, and it won’t matter what the Rock is cookin’, because the championship will stay with The Best in the World. Strong words, wouldn’t expect anything else from Punk.
-John Cena addresses the WWE Universe later tonight on his 2013 goals.
Dolph Ziggler w/AJ Lee & Big E. Langston vs. The Miz
We recap Flair “handing” the Figure-Four down to Miz.
Miz with a quick dropkick for two. Miz cinches in a headlock, then a shoulder block for two. Miz with a school boy for two, then Dolph does the same for a near fall. Miz with a back elbow for two, but Ziggler with a reversal for two, and a series of reversals for either man before Dolph fires off a dropkick of his own for two. Dolph with a headlock which he turns into a sleeper hold. Miz backs him to the corner, flips him over, then delivers some rights. Miz with a chop block, then some shots to the knee, and sets for the Figure Four. WOO! Dolph kicks him outside though, and distracts the ref as Langston rams Miz into the ring apron. Dolph rolls him into the ring for a two count as we go to commercial…
Dolph with a rear naked choke locked in on Miz. He fights out, and counters a Ziggler neckbreaker into a backslide for two. Dolph with a roll-up for two. Miz kicks out, then boots Ziggler in the face for a near-fall. Miz with some hard rights, then hits his corner clothesline splash, goes up top, and hits the axe handle for a near fall. SCF attempt, Ziggler rolls though, but Miz reverses with the tights. Miz’s neckbreaker is reversed, but Miz counters into the Figure Four! AJ distracts as Langston pulls both Miz AND Ziggler to the ropes! Ref breaks it up, Miz goes for the Figure Four, but Ziggler kicks him to the ropes. Miz avoids Langston, but Ziggler hits the Zig Zag for three and sets the pace!
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
-WWE’s “Slam of the Week” is Dr. Shelby finding his “happy place” with Kane and Daniel last week.
-Dr. MARION Shelby in the ring, decked in cap and gown, and is proud to introduce the graduates of his Anger Management TEAM HELL NO! Daniel looking slick, literally, with his hair smoothed back. Both are decked in graduation gowns as well. Shelby mentions how far they’ve come, Kane from being a maniacal monster who hurt instead of hugged, and Daniel, who was a tightly wound man-child who’d snap whenever someone mentioned his goat face or his beard. Shelby gives them their caps and feels the man who’s most improved should speak. Both feel that the other “is the VALEDICTORIAN!” Kane and Bryan go back and forth before Marion shouts them down, which gets a “Dr. Shelby” chant going! He asks if a hug would help both men, and they grudgingly agree, then asks if everyone should hug. Kane asks if Cole and Lawler should hug. Cole’s into it, and Lawler reluctantly follows suit. Dr. Lawson and Justin Roberst hug, and then Shelby, Kane, and Bryan go nuts getting people in the crowd to hug. It’s a crowd-wide hug-off as the graduates embrace Shelby in the ring. Wow, that was nuts!
-We recap Kaitlyn outwitting Eve to win the Divas Championship last Monday, and Eve rage-quitting shortly thereafter.
-Back in the Shark Tank, Alicia Fox ready for action!
Non-Title Match: Divas Champion Kaitlyn vs. Alicia Fox
Alicia starts out with a kick to the midsection and rams Kaitlyn into the turnbuckle. Kaitlyn comes back and flings Alicia to the outside. Kaitlyn with some hard rights to Alicia. Alicia with a pair of hair pulls, misses the axe kick, but gets a clothesline for two. Alicia locks in a rear naked choke. Kaitlyn snapmares out, but gets an elbow to the corner. Alicia misses a corner kick, and Kaitlyn hits a spear for three!
-Heyman escorts Punk to a luxury suite he bought on his own dime becuase he wants the champ to see the “Paul” bomb, a tribute to Punk, he has for the Rock in the ring.
-Heyman says he serves as Punk’s advisor, confidant, friend, and strategist. He understands that someone as intelligent as Punk would have their words go over us. He decides to act as a “translator”, saying it’s a forgone conclusion that Punk will win because Vince is desperate to have anyone else as champion, and his “flavor of the month” happens to be the Rock. The Rock, like us, is stupid to think…IF YOU SMELLLLLL!!! The Rock is out, and he’s got a ticket!
-Rock salutes the San Jose Police Department for the ticket, and plans to smack Heyman’s lips off his face if he doesn’t leave. Heyman obliges, and Rock looks up at Punk in the suite. Rock says the 428 days Punk has held the title makes him great, and he’s been focused on the Rock’s relation with the people, and obsessed with respect. Rock guarantees that if they stepped outside, he’d rip Punk’s face off. Rock, like Martin Luther King, has a dream to climb the mountaintop, and when he wins the WWE Title, the people will be free at last, god almighty, they’ll be free at last…
-THE LIGHTS GO OUT! IT’S THE SHIELD! Rollins, Reigns, and Ambrose beat down Rock, who tries to fight back, but gets taken down by the ankles and roughhoused some more before they lay out the Great One with the triple powerbomb. As the Shield bails, Punk calls down to the Rock, saying there is only room at the mountaintop for one, that freedom has a price, and the thing about dreams is that eventually you wake up from them, and when Rock wakes up, he’ll realize the Great One just wasn’t great enough. Rock can only barely look on from the mat, spitting up blood as he struggles to the ropes…
-A video tribute to MLK.
-We recap the Shield bringing “justice” to The Rock, including the triple powerbomb. Rock did walk back on his own, but the “internal injuries” are apparent.
Beat the Clock Match: IC Champion Wade Barrett vs. Sheamus
The time to beat is Dolph Ziggler’s 10:56.
Barrett and Sheamus exchange shoulder blocks. Barrett wrestles Sheamus to the ground for a one count. Barrett with shoulders to Sheamus, then some rights. Sheamus comes right back with shoulders of his own, then a clothesline followed by a Finlay Roll for a two count. Barrett rolls to the apron, and hangs Sheamus up by the arm. Barrett goes for a clothesline, misses, but catches Sheamus on the ropes and clotheslines him to the floor as we go to break with roughly eight minutes on the clock left…
Barrett with a sharp kick to Sheamus’s midsection for a two count. He wrenches in an armbar on the Irishman, who fights out. Barrett with hard rights, misses a clothesline, and Sheamus brings the Irish Hammers, FELLA! Sheamus misses a clothesline out of the corner, but Barrett misses a charge over the ropes, and Sheamus with the Ten Shots and a suplex back into the ring for a near fall. Sheamus sets for White Noise, but Barrett counters into a pumphandle, but Sheamus floats out. Brogue Kick misses, SHARP kick by Barrett, then an even stiffer one to the face of Sheamus for a near fall. Elbow from the second rope gets another near fall. Wasteland attempt, Sheamus slips out, White Noise connects! Sheamus readies the Brogue Kick, but AJ out now and distracts Sheamus. Winds of Change by Barrett! Near fall! Ziggler watches the clock anxiously. Barrett readies the Bullhammer, but Sheamus pulls the trigger with Brogue Kick first! Time runs out before Sheamus can cover!
Winner: No Contest
Winner of Beat the Clock: Dolph Ziggler
-Dolph taunts Sheamus from the ramp on being just a little too slow as he celebrates with AJ and Langston.
-Cena’s “WWE Universe” Address…STILL to come later tonight!
-Vickie backstage, and Dolph comes in, trolling all over Ms. Guerrero and making out with AJ, bragging how he gets to pick any number he wants in the Rumble. Vickie ruins the party for Dolph, saying he couldn’t pick ANY number, but that he has a choice of numbers…1 or 2. Show…WAY Off.
-We recap the Shield’s beat-down of Rock and an update on his physical condition. We then go backstage to Punk and Heyman, whom are leaving the building as they run into Mr. McMahon, who asks if they think they’re real clever with what they just pulled. Punk and Heyman deny any involvement in the Shield attack, except for the part about being clever. Heyman argues that everyone has been attacked by the Shield, not just involving themselves in Punk’s matches. Regardless of the lack of obvious evidence, Vince promises “severe consequences” if the Shield gets involved at the Royal Rumble, he will personally strip Punk of the WWE Championship. Ouch.
Non-Title Match: World Champion Alberto Del Rio w/Ricardo Rodriguez vs. Tensai
Tensai splashes Del Rio in the corner, lays him out early with a clothesline, then a pair of Vader Bombs gets a near fall. Del Rio gets the boot up on another charge, hits a nice head scissors, then a German Suplex on the 350-plus pounder! Nice! Del Rio fires up with a “SI! SI! SI!” chant, nails the step-up enziguri, then a second-rope moonsault gets three!
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
-Alberto agrees with Big Show that there will be a ten count, but he will be the one to count it, and it will be done in Spanish! He gives us a little Spanish counting lesson to ten, and Ricardo fires up the crowd with another “SI! SI! SI!” chant. OLE!
-The next 2013 Hall of Fame Inductee…BOB BACKLUND! That’s Mr. Backlund to the voters and the “plebians”! Nice little video.
-John Cena…IS WALKING!
-John Cena out to the ring with his usual 50-50 split crowd reaction. Cena’s surprised how lively we are, given Sunday’s a night of rest and relaxation. For the sake of everyone, I’ll summarize Cena’s “lively” speech. He points out a kid in the crowd, mentions how they usually have a day off, playing video games. He “realizes” the kid’s keeping him at noob level and tells him to leave “Skidmark187″ alone. He then points out a lady who would usually spend a night out on Saturday and relive it on Sunday, and how they guy she spent that Saturday with ends up spending a ton on Yager bombs and blow-up dolls…anyway, the main point is that all of that stops, and all eyes are on the Royal Rumble this Sunday, which Cena says that he WILL win!
-Sheamus out now, who disagrees with Cena, saying he will repeat. Then HE’S interrupted by the Primetime Players, after which Randy Orton, The Miz, Antonio Cesaro, and 3MB all make their way out to the ring and guarantee victory. The rest of the WWE roster makes their way to the ring and all hell breaks loose as we get a potential preview of the Royal Rumble this Sunday!
Credit: Ken Hill